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have_u_seen_my_rifle
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Name: Anna
Birthday: 6/30/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Hiding...do you think you can find me?
Making cookies
Feeding my pet dragon
Singing show tunes to my pet canary
Licking windows
Etc.
Expertise: "The truth about the truth is it hurts. So, we lie." -Meredith from Grey's Anatomy
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  froggyhop30
Member Since:
4/14/2004
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| I think it's going to be a weird summer for me. I mean compared to last summer when I was doing absolutely nothing it's already weird. I'm working, which is a nice change. Everyone warned me that it was going to be awful, but I actually like it quite a bit. I mean, it is work so that kind of sucks, but the people I work with are cool & it's really fun just hanging out and talking to all the guests. The heat blows, but what are ya gonna do? My dad won't get off my back about this vet thing. I emailed them & they just haven't emailed me back yet so I guess I'll call tomorrow. I just wish he could trust me to take care of my own shit. Of his 3 children I am the one who has actually done something with her life and gets shit done, so why is it all of a sudden that I am incapable of running my own life? I'm sick of him not trusting me just because my brother is such a screw up. That boy still doesn't know what he's gonna do & I'm really worried my parents are gonna let him stick around & ruin this family more than he already has. Why are people so selfish that they can't see past their own wants and needs? I guess part of the disbelief comes from my need to please people. I really do need to learn to stand up for myself...but who knows when that's going to happen. It seems like there's so much summer left in which to do things, and yet I need to get 200 shadowing hours, I have work, AND I still need to take the GRE, not to mention study for it!! And I have to find the time to turn 21 (haha okay that one shouldn't be TOO terribly hard). I know that there's enough time I just need to get started on everything. This is the summer of GSD for me, which sucks because I feel like everyone else is just chilling out this summer. Ahh, I long for last summer when my biggest concern was what movie I was going to watch today or if I was going to venture down to the pool with Jaime. Oh well I guess we all have to grow up some time. I've come to find that being an adult is a very delicate balance. You have to get your work done obviously, but I've also found that if you don't stop & take a breath & have some fun every once in a while you come to hate your job, and...well your life for that matter. One of my biggest fears is turning into one of those people who hates just that & spends all her time wishing that she could do it over again. No what ifs for me, I'm going to do this right!
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| I feel really disconnected from everything right now. I get the feeling that I could just curl up at home and read or just lay there & think for like a week. Good thing spring break's just around the corner. I found out recently that my future is quickly approaching and I'm not entirely ready for it, which scares me. It scares me to think that my life is about to change completely and I'm still clinging to some of the childish ways of a few years ago. I'm not going to say I haven't changed, but it kind of bothers me that some of the things that I worried about in high school I still worry about today. I guess some things will just always be on my mind. Everything that I've been working toward these past 2 years is here now and it's a very close reality. Granted I will still be in the same place for another 5 years after I turn in my application, but just the thought of my future being here is mind boggling. Here it is and yet I'm still not 100% sure this is what I want...I'm also not very sure if I'm cut out for it or not. Everyone told me to find something I'm passionate about, well this is one thing, but what if I'm not good at it? It's not one of those careers that you can just bullshit your way through. The thought of all my friends leaving and me still being here scares me too. I mean sure I did it once, but who's to say that it will be the same way. Plus there's the neverending hell that is my love life, which I have pushed as far back in my mind as mentally possible. I have put it in a small box in my mind that I've stashed in the back and piled boxes on. I've decided that if it's meant to happen then it will happen & if not oh well I've never had a big problem with cats, although i prefer dogs. That doesn't mean I still don't get sad about it and stuff, but I've just chosen not to let it dwell on my mind for days at a time like I used to. I really miss my friends back home & I feel like I'm falling away from some of them, which makes me really sad. I've found that second semester is always worse than first semester for me in that I get very very very homesick. I had a breakdown on the phone with my mom about a week ago. It's funny that she used to drive me insane in high school and I couldn't stand her some of the time and now she's like the number one person I can't live without (with my dad following in a close second). I felt like a five year old crying on the phone to her, but I just couldn't deal. It seems like no matter what I do to try and unwind and relax just tenses me up even more because then I view it as wasted time. That's half the reason I'm writing this now, because I thought maybe it would help to get my thoughts out, which it is a bit. It seems like no matter how hard I try not to think about certain things (i.e. my future) it crawls back into my mind and then pops up and yells HAHAHAHA! I just need to focus on today, but it seems so hard when what I do today effects what I do tomorrow, which effects the next day, and so on, until finally today doesn't just effect today, but my entire life. *sigh* Maybe sleep will help as nothing else seems to...
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| Man I can't believe this thing still exists! Geez seriously it's been like almost a year. Ridiculous. So does anyone ever get the feeling that they're just barely holding on? I get that feeling quite a bit. I feel like I'm on the edge and I'm just holding on by this tiny string, but then I get away. I hang out with my friends or talk to my parents or something and I get away for a while, but then a month later or so I'm right back in that place. I don't know how to stay away from that place. I wish I could because I really don't like it there. I've been trying to keep myself busy so I don't end up thinking about certain things and it seems to be working, but the problem with that is that those things I'm avoiding have a way of climbing back into my head and overtaking everything. They practically scream at me to pay attention to them. It's very hard to focus at those times. Overall I'm really greatful for my friends they're amazing at taking me away from all of the wreckage to a place where I'm genuinely happy. I know this probably sounds crazy cliche but I am a new person here! They say that you never get out of high school, but for me that's just not true. College gave me the chance I've been wanting for years, a chance to get away from the girl I was in elementary school. I'm not that awkward little braniac shy girl that everyone thought of me as. Now I feel like I'm this smart, secure, confident person. I love feeling this way. I love knowing that I'm in control of everything in my life and most importantly I've been able to abandon all my insecurities about what people think about me. I no longer care!!! My new philosopy is people can like me or not like me, but at least I will always stay true to myself. I've been able to see what I really appreciate in life now that I'm away from home. I realize how much my family and friends mean to me. Family really is amazing. I was feeling really down a couple weeks ago and everything was just really getting to me so I called my parents and my mom just really helped me. She told me that she was proud of me and that really means a lot. Seriously, that meant the world to me. She just told me that she was proud of the woman I'd become and that she really admired my ability to retain my individuality in this world. That was seriously the best compliment anyone could have given me. I realize who my true friends from high school were because they're the ones I miss the most. I love my new friends here too because I can't go more than a couple days without seeing them!! Overall college is probably the best experience of my life just because of all the insights and confidence it has given me!! Just thought I'd share!! I lurve everyone of you!!! *~Anna~* | | |
| hello xanga. been a while eh? i wish i had more to say. i wish that i could just open up, to stop hiding things from myself. im in one of those moods. most people don't like being in these low moods, you know not really sad, but not happy. i like it. it's like i just...am. i don't have to worry about anything, just a whole lot of nothing. i've been measured, i've been weighed, and i've been found wanting. i like that line, it's not exactly that, but it's off of a knight's tale. it describes me well at the moment. i've been through everything and i know that something's missing, i just don't seem to be able to figure it out. i think the rest of me besides that one part is really falling into place. i find myself liking myself. i like the road i'm on right now. i've sacrificed some things. a dream. a friendship. a whole piece of me. but i like what came out. it's like legos i took everything apart and put it back together, but i didn't use all the pieces, but it turns out that what came out is even better than before. i can't wait to get out of liberty, to get away from this person that everyone expects me to be so i can be the person i want to be. i can start over, which is a great thing to know. i will miss everyone here, i'm kinda scared about what's out there. also i've been told that about 12 billion other girls want to do what i want to do & the ration is 1 in 5 i think of people who actually make it. i had second thoughts for a while, but you know what? i'm sick of holding back. i'm sick of always wishing, this time it's going to happen, b/c i'm going to make it happen. no more what ifs. i've had enough what ifs to last me a lifetime. i can't hold on to reason and sense forever, soon i'm going to have to just fall and pray that someone catches me. i think someone will. i don't know who, but someone will. that's all for now xanga, see you in another 3 months or so. *~Anna~* P.S. just so everyone knows i do read your xangas, i just don't comment b/c i'm lazy. i don't want you all to think no one's listening b/c i am. | | |
| Updates from yours truly: 1) I got accepted to MU! 2) My car is out of the shop but still needs new tires. 3) Early Release today! can i get a woot woot? tehehe 4) my apples name is pete. that is all! *~Anna~* | | |
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